taking a breath

MY life is kind of falling apart.

I never meant for this to be so dramatic. I actually wanted it to be light hearted. Pictures of my daughter, funny things my family has done, updates on how our life is going in the right direction for once since we’ve gotten married. Unfortunately, that couldn’t be more off. We literally have negative dollars in our bank account. I’ve never hated a debit card so much in my life. How does one have NEGATIVE DOLLARS? Not zero, not we’ll wait until we get the next check in to replenish what we’ve spent. My bank account says $-243.00.

Tom got approved for unemployment. We got enough money in to pay off the rest of the January rent. Then he took a job paying less than unemployment would give us (I’m okay with this because I can’t stand living off of handouts). I have an astronomical electric bill that has been growing since we’ve moved apartments three months ago.

My landlord, Pissy Missy, may actually have to go to the hospital because of the concussion I’m dying to give her. Her words to my husband on the phone “I have no respect for a woman who has a child who is attempting to live a stay at home life style, you do not deserve to raise a baby like that”. Well for starters, I haven’t tried to live a “stay at home” life style since my husband lost his job the first time. In the past month I have turned in 11 applications and handed in 13 resumes. I have had one interview. And that was sixteen days ago. She can look down on me for not paying my rent on time, she can be annoyed when we call her to tell her the snow in the driveway is too high to get our cars out of, she can even not have respect for me for being jobless. But I will be damned if someone is going to condemn me as a parent. She is a mother, and she needs to have some sort of respect for the fact that I am doing everything in my will power to provide the best life possible for my daughter.

On top of that, Tom’s recruiter seems to be twiddling his thumbs, which is causing Tom to have second thoughts. I’m sure if anyone with a husband/ boyfriend in the military reads this they aren’t going to believe me but I wanted Tom to join the Navy. I’m well aware he’s going to be gone, a lot. I know how hard it is for him to leave and that’s only a month at a time (he’s had jobs where he has to travel a lot). I know it’s dangerous (albeit not as dangerous as other branches). I know it’s hard work, I’m sure it’s degrading, and I know he probably wouldn’t like it. But when he said he wanted to join I was excited. I was excited to get out of this little town for a while. I was excited to not have to struggle for a little while. But mostly I was excited for both him and I to get a chance to get education.

My mom’s fiancée is a CFO for a well known company, and he has told me what the hiring process is like, and admits it is going to be hard for us. There are people out of work with DOCTORATES. He had 143 people apply for one job that was admittedly beneath them. Why would he choose someone with less education and less experience over someone who has the highest of qualifications? He wouldn’t.

I wanted that money to go to school. To give us a chance. I grew up privileged. I’ve never had to struggle for anything in my life. I don’t want my daughter to ask me for ten dollars to go to the movies one day and I have to say no because I don’t have enough to pay bills. I want to relax, to take a breath, I want my hair to stop turning gray and falling out at twenty years old. Selfish ? Probably. I’m not the one signing my life away. But it’s the truth. It was something for me to grasp on to.

On top of all that Tom and I have been arguing. It’s understandable, we’re stressed out, and we have different ideas of getting what we want. But it has ashamedly made me question our decision to get married so quickly and while I was so young. If I weren’t married I would be going to college, looking for a crappy part time job that I didn’t really need except for fun money. I would have gone with my best friend to NYC for New Years. I’d be cozy in my mom’s five bedroom house with an indoor hot tub. I wouldn’t be crying myself to sleep every night and I wouldn’t be yelling at my nonexistent husband just because there’s no one else to yell at. I remind myself every day that I’m in love with this man. Because it’s the truth. When I think of what I’d do without him I can’t imagine it. He is my rock. It just happens to be during an earthquake at the moment. I keep telling myself we will come out of it. I will get a job, eventually get my education, we may not ever be wealthy but we’ll be happy. Our daughter will love us and will do better than we ever did.

I’m obviously having a bad day (more like a depressing week) so hopefully tomorrow is better. Hopefully a get a call for a job and his recruiter calls him which gets him pumped up again and we can take a breath. I just need to breathe.